http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vFaoA7t2RE
I just discussed this issue with someone and it so important to me that I felt the need to vent it here also.
Yesterday, I was listening to music on my computer. Shuffle as usual. Suddenly this song starts playing - How to Disappear Completely by Radiohead. (Just the title is worth dying for)
And it hit me so hard. I don't want to seem like an.. a-hem... emo-kid. But my God, did it hurt.
And it is not because I have any special associations to this song, nor is it because of the lyrics. If you haven't heard it already, please listen (there is a link above).
There is this high note, floating above the rather average chords, which by conventional measures do not "fit" musically. But it has an astonishing effect. It adds this amazing edge, like a sharp knife, and interacts in a new and completely surprising way with each chords. And it hurts so bad.
If you read my previous post, I was talking about the conflict between my logical and "romantic" (in the wide sense, not really referring to love or such) part. This is a thing that my logical part can not understand. At all. How can a combination of sound frequencies invoke an emotional reaction, so strong that it is on the verge of physical. How is this possible? How does this facilitate the recreation of my genes?(It sounds rather funny but it is a serious question) What the hell IS music anyway? Is it perhaps just a odd side effect to something that actually has an explainable purpose?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Rubarb Puré
It has been somewhat of a mess in my head lately.
The simplified version is as follows
Lovely way to deal.
I had an interesting conversation the other night (not in french, mind you) about being human. The person in question considers himself being rather nonhuman in many ways, and thinks this is a good feature. Me however, think in the same way, but try to surpress this. I know that love is nothing but a way for my genes to make me reproduce. I do however try to not think of it. I know that in fact everything, including having friends, is ultimately just another way to survive and eventually reproduce. These are just examples.
I don't know whether it is best to live in "denial", which is what I am trying to do, or to live aloof from the primitive emotions of humans. The latter alternative is probably not 100 % possible, but still.
What is YOUR opinion on the matter, dear friends?
By Gustav Klimt. I love this painting. Excellent example of my romantic side living in conflict with the logical cynical one.
The simplified version is as follows
- I want someone who does not want me and who is far away
- Someone not so far away wants me and I was not entirely able to resist for a brief moment though I definitely do not want this person
- This lead to the event of a someone (temporarily?) cancelling their friendship with me
Lovely way to deal.
I had an interesting conversation the other night (not in french, mind you) about being human. The person in question considers himself being rather nonhuman in many ways, and thinks this is a good feature. Me however, think in the same way, but try to surpress this. I know that love is nothing but a way for my genes to make me reproduce. I do however try to not think of it. I know that in fact everything, including having friends, is ultimately just another way to survive and eventually reproduce. These are just examples.
I don't know whether it is best to live in "denial", which is what I am trying to do, or to live aloof from the primitive emotions of humans. The latter alternative is probably not 100 % possible, but still.
What is YOUR opinion on the matter, dear friends?
By Gustav Klimt. I love this painting. Excellent example of my romantic side living in conflict with the logical cynical one.Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Danger of Death
My access to the Internet is terribly sporadic nowadays, hence the lack of new posts...
And right now I am in a hurry, since they are trying to fix the computers, I have to leave when the computer.. repair man... arrives.
I am however, doing okay. Though the boss told me I was too shy the other day. I was walking around feeling fairly pleased with myself, having made so many acquaintances, and then he tells me this. A man who by the way is so busy that he sees me in average two seconds per week, so I don't know how the hell he could have gotten this impression. Fuck it eh. He can't really fire me anyway (I hope O_O) since it's not a real job.
Summer suddenly left France the other day, without saying goodbye. The skies opened, down came water, water, and occasionally some water. After this, the air has had that atumn-like chill to it. Someone told me summer will be making a comeback in the end of the week though. Perhaps he forgot something. Or is summer a she? I would think of it as a him... I wonder what the weather is like in good old Sweden...
I made an amusing discovery the other day. A door, probably leading to one of those old cellars where people keep potatoes, with the friendly inscription "Defense d'entrer! Danger de mort"
And if I tell you mort means death, I think everyone will understand the meaning. Made me wonder if people have a nice sense of humour around the country, or if they're just terribly aggressive :O
And right now I am in a hurry, since they are trying to fix the computers, I have to leave when the computer.. repair man... arrives.
I am however, doing okay. Though the boss told me I was too shy the other day. I was walking around feeling fairly pleased with myself, having made so many acquaintances, and then he tells me this. A man who by the way is so busy that he sees me in average two seconds per week, so I don't know how the hell he could have gotten this impression. Fuck it eh. He can't really fire me anyway (I hope O_O) since it's not a real job.
Summer suddenly left France the other day, without saying goodbye. The skies opened, down came water, water, and occasionally some water. After this, the air has had that atumn-like chill to it. Someone told me summer will be making a comeback in the end of the week though. Perhaps he forgot something. Or is summer a she? I would think of it as a him... I wonder what the weather is like in good old Sweden...
I made an amusing discovery the other day. A door, probably leading to one of those old cellars where people keep potatoes, with the friendly inscription "Defense d'entrer! Danger de mort"
And if I tell you mort means death, I think everyone will understand the meaning. Made me wonder if people have a nice sense of humour around the country, or if they're just terribly aggressive :O
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
La France
So here I am.
Let's take it from the beginning.
Monday, little more than a week ago, me and my parents set off in a pickup packed with probably about half of what i own.
After two days of speeding on german autobahns and french highways (I drove in 140 km / h weee) we arrived in Rodez. My new home.
After some driving back and forth we found the right place, and met my mentor. Her name is Kristin Olewinski. She is originally German, hence the non french sounding name. She is really short, which sometimes bothers me x), but she is nice. The best thing is that her English is excellent, since no one, and I mean no one around here speaks English. Okay, I am supposed to use french, but it is nice to be able to express thoughts a little less primitive than "thank you, I am fine" etc.
Anyhow, they didn't really have time to deal with me until the 10th, so I spent one day driving around in the area with my parents. We found some adorable little villages. Straight out of a storybook, old stone houses, several hundred years old, stacked together on these mountain sides, and small gardens filled with roses and God knows what.
The apartment that they gave me is beyond expectations. By far. According to my father, it is about 40 m2. It is completely new, finished some month ago, consists of a living room/kitchen, a ridiculously large bathroom (it is handicap adjusted) and a bedroom with a king size bed. I am very happy with it, thought they told me that they'll have to move me if anyone with a wheelchair moves into the house...
I however don't have a television, radio nor Internet in my room. This is quite a new experience for me... The first couple of days, when I was left all on my own, with nothing to do, I felt slightly isolated, but found comfort in my computer, packed with series and films, and also in my dear guitar. It has hit me, how I can never feel alone when I create. Whether it is drawing or playing music, it is the best way to drive feelings of isolation away. I haven't really discovered this before, me never living alone, and if these feelings have arisen I have silenced them ether with the Internet or with a TV. You learn something new every day, they say. Not sure if that's true, but I feel I've learned something anyway.
I took a walk through the area last Sunday, and had an uncomfortable feeling of being slightly afraid of everyone I saw. I certainly have to get rid of that feeling.. Not sure where it came from. Probably I am just feeling a bit alienated. Everything improved once I could start working on Monday though. The staff, and also the residents are all very friendly.
I was a bit scared when the boss told me (translated by Kristin) with a serious look on his face, that this is not an easy job. That I have to make people integrate, and that requires lots of initiative from me. The little shy Swede in me shivered and wanted to say that "I can't talk to people, I can't take initiatives, I just want to mind my own business". Of course I didn't listen to the little Swede in me, and certainly didn't let her out of my mouth.
I got to work in the Cafeteria, and it went fine, apart from them leaving me alone there (event though they promised they wouldn't since I don't know all the procedures) and I had to stay for one hour longer than I was supposed to. (Til 23 that is). There was a french guy keeping me company though, it was hard keeping a conversation with him, and he even when I did understand what he was saying it was mostly "Je pas..eh" (slang for Je ne sais pas = I don't know).
Oh, I didn't explain what this place is really, It is like a place where people between 16 and 30 can live while they're studying, working, or looking for a j
ob. Also Immigrants who are waiting for their asylum can live here, and old people with a certain amount of autonomy.
Today I went up to a hill, 15 minutes from here, and eat my breakfast with a 360 degree view. That was pretty nice.
Yesterday I had french course with the immigrants. It was strange having lessons in french, and only french is spoken, the immigrants not understanding English (honestly I don't think the teacher knows English either). Massive amounts of time is used for trying to explain words that I know the meaning of but can't find any synonyms or explanations for in french..
I will not write more at the moment. I know people in this era don't read anything on the internet that's longer than half a page anyway. I am the same.
Wish me luck
Let's take it from the beginning.
Monday, little more than a week ago, me and my parents set off in a pickup packed with probably about half of what i own.
After two days of speeding on german autobahns and french highways (I drove in 140 km / h weee) we arrived in Rodez. My new home.
After some driving back and forth we found the right place, and met my mentor. Her name is Kristin Olewinski. She is originally German, hence the non french sounding name. She is really short, which sometimes bothers me x), but she is nice. The best thing is that her English is excellent, since no one, and I mean no one around here speaks English. Okay, I am supposed to use french, but it is nice to be able to express thoughts a little less primitive than "thank you, I am fine" etc.
Anyhow, they didn't really have time to deal with me until the 10th, so I spent one day driving around in the area with my parents. We found some adorable little villages. Straight out of a storybook, old stone houses, several hundred years old, stacked together on these mountain sides, and small gardens filled with roses and God knows what.
The apartment that they gave me is beyond expectations. By far. According to my father, it is about 40 m2. It is completely new, finished some month ago, consists of a living room/kitchen, a ridiculously large bathroom (it is handicap adjusted) and a bedroom with a king size bed. I am very happy with it, thought they told me that they'll have to move me if anyone with a wheelchair moves into the house...
I however don't have a television, radio nor Internet in my room. This is quite a new experience for me... The first couple of days, when I was left all on my own, with nothing to do, I felt slightly isolated, but found comfort in my computer, packed with series and films, and also in my dear guitar. It has hit me, how I can never feel alone when I create. Whether it is drawing or playing music, it is the best way to drive feelings of isolation away. I haven't really discovered this before, me never living alone, and if these feelings have arisen I have silenced them ether with the Internet or with a TV. You learn something new every day, they say. Not sure if that's true, but I feel I've learned something anyway.
I took a walk through the area last Sunday, and had an uncomfortable feeling of being slightly afraid of everyone I saw. I certainly have to get rid of that feeling.. Not sure where it came from. Probably I am just feeling a bit alienated. Everything improved once I could start working on Monday though. The staff, and also the residents are all very friendly.
I was a bit scared when the boss told me (translated by Kristin) with a serious look on his face, that this is not an easy job. That I have to make people integrate, and that requires lots of initiative from me. The little shy Swede in me shivered and wanted to say that "I can't talk to people, I can't take initiatives, I just want to mind my own business". Of course I didn't listen to the little Swede in me, and certainly didn't let her out of my mouth.
I got to work in the Cafeteria, and it went fine, apart from them leaving me alone there (event though they promised they wouldn't since I don't know all the procedures) and I had to stay for one hour longer than I was supposed to. (Til 23 that is). There was a french guy keeping me company though, it was hard keeping a conversation with him, and he even when I did understand what he was saying it was mostly "Je pas..eh" (slang for Je ne sais pas = I don't know).
Oh, I didn't explain what this place is really, It is like a place where people between 16 and 30 can live while they're studying, working, or looking for a j
ob. Also Immigrants who are waiting for their asylum can live here, and old people with a certain amount of autonomy.Today I went up to a hill, 15 minutes from here, and eat my breakfast with a 360 degree view. That was pretty nice.
Yesterday I had french course with the immigrants. It was strange having lessons in french, and only french is spoken, the immigrants not understanding English (honestly I don't think the teacher knows English either). Massive amounts of time is used for trying to explain words that I know the meaning of but can't find any synonyms or explanations for in french..
I will not write more at the moment. I know people in this era don't read anything on the internet that's longer than half a page anyway. I am the same.
Wish me luck
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